Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Say whaaaaaaaat?

As a mommy, you frequently find yourself saying things you never thought you'd say - either because you hated when your own parents said them... or because they just don't make any sense.
Here is a list of my favorites that have come out of my own mouth:

"Jericho - we don't headbutt our mommy."

"Please don't feed your animal crackers to the cats."

"Because I'm your mommy... and I know everything."

"Who took all of the wipes out of the container one-by-one?"

"Jericho, please stop eating that soap."

"I'm so sorry my son smeared poop on your carpet."

"Buddy - mommy needs you out of the oven, please..."

"Joci, mommy really needs for your to please stop cutting your own hair."

"Jericho - DO NOT BITE THAT CAT AGAIN. I mean it this time."

"Is this your daughter?... I apologize. My son seems to have knocked her down and stolen her juice box."

"Yes, I can talk to my daugher about chasing your son around at recess. ... I understand she made him cry. ... It won't happen again."

"I understand mommy sings a lot in the car, but I assure you, I'm NOT Hannah Montana."

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Presenting The Amazing Snack-ini!

Sunday night my husband and I were exhausted from a long weekend (of drinking in the sun... but that's another story). After fighting through the day, we finally laid 2-year-old Jericho down for bed at about 8pm. He was repeatedly out of bed and army-crawling down the hall in an attempt to fend off that evenings sheep counting expedition, but each time we'd return him to his bed and assure him that it was, indeed, sleepy time. After about half an hour of this charade, I heard his bedroom door open and shouted "Jericho - Bed. Now." I then heard his door close again and figured all was good.

Fast-forward to 10 minutes later.

I walked past Jericho's room and his door was wide open, his light was on, and he was nowhere in sight. I immediately went into mommy panic mode and started looking everywhere for him - we're talking places he couldn't even fit. I started looking in the closet and under the bed, then found myself looking under piles of clothes and behind the door. Apparently in my mind when Jericho goes missing he turns into David Copperfield.

So after discovering he was in none of these perfectly-logical-not-crazy-at-all places, I yelled for Joel and told him I couldn't find Jericho. So Joel hauls down the stairs to the first floor (which houses the kitchen and living room). He no more than makes it down there when I hear hysterical laughter. I'm running down the stairs after him, telling him to "put his game face on" and that "no matter what Jericho's doing he's still in trouble" and blah, blah, blah.

Then I see him.

My little man, sitting perfectly at the dinning room table, strapped into his booster seat. On his face is a giant chocolate mustache. In his hands is a bottle of chocolate syrup that is now missing it's lid. In front of him is a Capri Sun juice pouch and a vanilla Snack Pack.

Apparently he was hungry.

Immediately upon seeing his little pint-sized smorgasbord, I also bust into hysterical laughter, leaning all of my weight on my husband because I think I'm going to fall over from laughing so hard. I stop laughing, look up at Joel... and immediately start laughing again. Jericho is just staring at us this whole time in bewilderment, trying to figure out if he's in trouble or if we've just gone crazy. We finally wiped the tears from our eyes and composed ourselves long enough to get Snacky McSnackerson cleaned up and back to bed. I could not be mad at that chocolaty little face.

Hey, after consuming a half of a bottle of chocolate syrup, I'm just glad he went to bed at all that night.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Tell It Like It Is

Talk about straight talk -

"In The Motherhood" on ABC is ab-so-lute-ly hilarious. Similar to my last post, this show really gets right down to the nitty gritty of motherhood. With a cast complete with a divorcee (with a full-time "manny") who is just starting to date again, a tell-it-like-it-is single friend and a "perfect", keeping up with the Jones' housewife, this show is really great for any mommy in any situation. It is inspired by real situations that I could see myself in most of the time.

Check it out - just once. And if you can't get time to actually sit and watch a show? DVR it - or better yet, watch free episodes at

In The Motherhood airs Thursdays at 8/7c.

Checkout a clip here:

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Confessions of a Mommy

While watching Oprah yesterday, I remembered what the point of this blog was supposed to be originally - to share my experiences, both good and bad, with the other mommies of the world (or just my circle of friends). I've gotten away from that and - lucky you - now we're going back. The idea of The Mommy Diaries is to have something that every mommy can relate to. As my mind swirled around all of the things that I haven't yet shared, I was energized and enthused to start The Mommy Diaries anew. So here we are: The Mommy Diaries, 2.0.


As a working mother, I think I feel like I have to do it all. I have to be a full time gourmet chef, a part time maid, an expert at every school subject for my (non-paying) job position as my daughter's Kindergarten tutor, a chauffeur, a personal family banker, a dry cleaner, as well as alternating shifts as a librarian, personal assistant, party planner, travel agent... not to mention boo-boo kisser.

I want to express to you that no one does it all. No one. You know your friend that always looks great and her house is clean and her children are well-behaved? Not even her. Seriously. Ask her. I feel like from the outside it seems like I have a descent handle on things. But I don't.

* More often times than not (especially in the winter) I look down at my 6-year-old and wonder "when was the last time you had a bath?" And sometimes it's Thursday night. And the last bath I can remember was on Sunday.

* I have done my daughters homework because I forgot to have her do it.

* I know that putting dirty jeans in the dryer with a fabric sheet "freshens" them.

* I bribe my children. If my toddler is crying in the middle of the store, I will grab a box of raisins off of the shelf, rip them open and hand them to him if it means 10 more minutes of shopping.

* I have been out of wipes and used a wet paper towel.

* Some days, out of sheer exhaustion, I let my kids eat whatever they want for dinner. "Can I have a pudding cup?" Yep. "Mommy, I want fruit snacks." You betcha.

* I have used my 6-year-old to do things I'm feeling too lazy to do. "Honey, will you go upstairs and ask daddy what he wants for dinner?"... "He wants lasagna."... "Tell him that mommy can't make lasagna tonight. I'm out of noodles."... "What?"... "Just tell him that - he'll understand."

* I made my children sit up in their bedroom and play while my husband and I had Valentine's dinner. We had steak and shrimp. They had chicken nuggets.

Now weather you rolled your eyes and thought "what a terrible mother" or "oh my gosh - I've done that" as you read down the list, the fact is that we've all done things that probably would take us out of contention for any trophies related to our mothering career. It's a hard damn job and those little ankle biters did not come with an owners manual. And that's ok - it's trial and error for the most part.

This mommy knows that she's not the best mommy in the world. But she also knows she's not the worst - And neither are you, no matter how many times you run out of diapers and use a maxi pad instead (that one actually DOESN'T come from this mommy's personal experience).

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Faster Than a Speeding Bullet

Superman has nothing on my little man.

* Monday night, Jericho managed to get outside without being caught. He was only alone as his dad headed upstairs and I headed downstairs. We even crossed paths ON the stairs. Total unattended time: less than 10 seconds.

* December - Jericho manages to get into the fridge, pull out a pitcher of grape juice and pour it onto my carpet and off white couch while I'm going to the bathroom. Total time left unattended: less than 2 minutes.

* January - Jericho drinks nearly half of a bottle of Benadryl while I'm on the phone. He then asks for more. Total time left unattended: about 90 seconds.

* February - Jericho pushes a chair up to the kitchen counter, climbs up on it and gets his own snack out of the cupboard while I'm following him in from the next room. Total time left unattended: about 3 seconds.

* Still February - Jericho grabs a broken coffee cup handle and slices his little hand open. Total time left unattended: He wasn't. I was right there and STILL didn't see him do it.

* Gotta love February - I come home for Joel to inform me that Jericho "might have drank some cough syrup", but that he's "not sure how much". Jericho, meanwhile is fast alseep in the middle of the living room floor. Maybe a little, Joel. Total time left unattended: who knows.

* March - Jericho gets upstairs without being noticed, gets in to my make-up and applies eyeliner... to his cheeks. Luckily he was more Twisted Sister than RuPaul. Total time left unattended: Probably about 3 minutes.

Please note that these little mishaps are in addition to the daily "how did you manage to" and "are you freaking serious"-es that he gets.